In a pinch, I’ll have to smoke a cigarette. I can make it cover as much as five minutes, but that isn’t much of a reprieve from looking like I have nothing better to do. After that, I can space each cigarette by about ten minutes without looking like a desperate chain smoker – or getting nausea from the persistent fumes. Overall, we’re looking at thirty minutes per hour of potentially dead air. These thirty minutes are crucial. It’s in these precious moments that personalities are defined. “He’s a funny guy” – now that’s pure gold. You’re going to need at least ten minutes of solid material for that distinction. You can coast the remaining twenty though well-placed repetition and over-laughing at whatever anyone else has to say. Assuming you can’t carry the ten minutes, there are a few shortcuts to “funny guy”. For example, be very attractive. Attractive people get to be whatever they want. If you’re hot and someone less hot hears you laugh, they have to characterize you as funny. Otherwise, it’s an acknowledgement of hanging around merely for your superior attractiveness. Alternatively, you can be very large (physically). If you’re a big, talcum-powdered fat ass you’ve got a great comedy crutch. The only folks that can trump you will be really good at saying things in “foreign” accents. Unfortunately, a big, blistering fat ass is no kryptonite for attractiveness (i.e., they’ll think you’re funny, but you’re still walking home alone). Of course, there can only be so many "funny guys"...
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