Social Graces (Part III)

Now there will always be those determined few dedicated to the intellectual. These folks are easily identified by their indiscriminate use of sarcasm. Although this is likely the sincerest form of social interaction, be aware that only the obscenely wealthy or attractive can pull this off. Anyone else will eventually find themselves in the “asshole” category. And despite first appearance, there are no substantive differences between self-deprecation and sarcasm. Again, only the rich and beautiful can make fun of themselves and get away with it. The only difference for the self-deprecating remainder is the insertion of “poor” before “asshole”.

The true opposite of the insufferable sarcastic is the desperately violent. The “fag basher” the “are you leaning on my car?”, the “it’s Christmas, not happy holidays”. Although a colossal waste of time for the affected party, they do provide a nice distraction for others jockeying for position. For the less talented, this is an excellent opportunity to up your stakes toward “funny guy”. Even sarcasm works in such encounters – just make sure you’re adequately leveraged to not get your ass kicked. That’s one of the toughest labels to lose.

The most dreadful of all, however, is the niche character. The chic who loves iPod, the guy really into Widespread Panic, or that dude who just can’t get over his semester abroad to Rome. These people are doomed. Anything even resembling the borders of “collecting” is a social death sentence – and great fodder for the “funny guy”. If you have a hobby – lose it…unless it’s sports or, of course, you’re really rich or attractive. Again, in the latter cases, do whatever the hell you want – it’ll be alright.

So what of those unattractive, without means, unfamiliar with sports, and shy of humorous wit? Well, there’s drink. Glorious booze. Sure there are a number of unflattering categories within “drunk”, but who cares? You’re drunk. There’s nothing you’ve done that can’t be fixed with a four AM burrito. Aim for that and anything else that happens is a bonus. Of note, the most wondrous of all situations is when two deliciously drunken individuals find each other – no matter what the neighbors say.